there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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