And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
They have beer where we have blood.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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