so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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