I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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