I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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