But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
