you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
