smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Watching her eat just hurts me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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