two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
