dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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