Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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