Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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