If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
