I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
