oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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