her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
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Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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