Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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