Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
