Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
