If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
