no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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