How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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