She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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