2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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