girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
