We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I accidentally had phone sex last night
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
