You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
