If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
