maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
