It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
