After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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