My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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