remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
