We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
