this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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