Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
