Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
