Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
