I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
