He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
