i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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