All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
