this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
