I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
