All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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