You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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