I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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