why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
