my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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