he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
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Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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