Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
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There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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