Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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