I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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