And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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