I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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